Jen's Secret Stash

Bio: Jen is returning to Henderson for her last and final year at Henderson. She will graduate in May with a Double BA in Horn and Piano, and a minor in photography, which is impressive due to the fact that she will graduate with two Music degrees, in only 4 years. She then plans to marry "The Mick", go on an unnecessarily expensive honeymoon, put James through graduate school, and be destitute for the next 10 years, but she is optimistic about the entire situation. The future still holds many choices about what career she will decide to do, but music and photography are up on the list, as well as settling down with 3-5 kids and being a stay-at-home mom. She has many odd expertise, such as all to know about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and Harry Potter. She spends most of her time reading fan fiction, taking pictures, and watching B-rated movies and musicals. She loves to laugh, which unfortunately sets off her asthma, she loves to sing, and she loves to be surrounded by entertaining people. If you see her passing by, stop and give her a "hi', she'll love it.



So, I'm considering getting back into music. Big Time. The question is...in what field? I'm thinking "Musical Theatre". I miss performing. I MISS PERFOMING! AGH!

If you haven't had the chance to see "A Very Potter Musical" on youtube - you are missing out. Go check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk&feature=PlayList&p=C76BE906C9D83A3A&index=0&playnext=1

I watched it for 5 minutes and was in LOVE. I couldn't stop watching. I can't wait for the soundtrack. Darren Criss is simply amazing. I love some of his original songs - he's got a fantastic voice and an amazing talent for playing the guitar.

The characters are brought to life with "totally awesome" everything. The songs, the script, the humour. It's all there and it's amazing. The songs are so catchy, you can't stop yourself from singing them all day long.

It is my new goal in life to meet and hug Darren Criss, as well as the other cast and writers. I am in such awe. My extra goal would be to perform with Darren Criss. His entire persona is one that is so kind and open and fun.

I wonder if he's like that in real life. If so - he's definitely someone that I would want to be friends with.

Well, I saw the movie at midnight and I must admit...I LOVED it! I feel very calm and happy about this movie and how it turned out. Yes, there are definitely things I would have added - I don't think keeping them in the movie would have lengthened it too great a deal and I think they probably would have added a bit of depth to things. For example:

The "Coward" scene. I didn't feel that the magic used was expained enough, nor the impact that it caused on the body. I don't know...for some reason, I expect some sort of physical proof on the body - that it really harmed the cursed one. Bloody nose, broken arm...something to that effect. It was like Snape just kept knocking Harry over with silent magic and Harry couldn't get up. I reminisced somewhat on "I've fallen and can't get up!"

I can't tell you how much I appreciated the scene where Snape is under the platform with Harry and puts his finger to his lips. Forshadowing, anyone? To me, things seemed a lot more obvious in this movie than they did in the movie. Like the "finding out what Voldemort did with Horcruxes scene". I absolutely loved what Gambdon did in this scene. I loved the shock, him having to sit down and process, and especially looking at Harry and realizing (after Harry's non-to-subtle Snakelike neck motion) that Harry was and is a Horcrux. He looked broken, like he couldn't believe it, and I felt torn up inside right there with him. And it was all done with just a few facial expressions. That is acting, folks, and I don't think it could have been done better.

I really mourned over the non Quidditch Harry/Ginny kiss after it was over - but truthfully, during the movie, I didn't really notice it wasn't there. I was in love with so many of the scenes that this movie offered - I think it gave me exactly what I've been looking for, and I, for the first time, didn't just harp on what wasn't there - because I was just so thrilled with what was there.

I openly adore the Harry/Hermione bro/sis relationship and I have to admit that my favorite scene in the entire movie is the scene where Harry goes down the stairs to comfort the crying Hermione. He understands how she's feeling, he's boyish and doesn't exactly know what to do, and then he just is a fantastic friend to her. I thought this was fantastic forshadowing to what's to come in DH. I loved Harry's expression when Ron walked in on them and saw her crying. I can't wait to see the movie again to really get what he's saying. "Get out, Ron" or "Get over here and make it up to her - can't you see she's in pain!" I loved it. I especially loved the part where he sits down close to her - after she's attacked Ron with the charmed birds, and she lays her head down on his shoulder and he answers her question, "Yes. This is how it feels."

Oh, sigh.

I wish that the Harry crying scene over Dumbledore could have showed more of his face - more suffering, more angst. I think with this movie's rating of PG, the angst was somewhat glossed over at times. I admit being absolutely horrified when Dumbledore fell to his death. I thought it was brilliant how everyone pointed to the sky with their wands and erradicated the Dark Mark. I wish Ginny had held Harry with both hands instead of one - I would have prefered him trying to hold on to her, to something, to show more pain. But again - I'm being nitpicky, because I can never seem to get enough angst when it comes to this kind of thing. I think from an artistic POV, as a photographer - I know how to capture true romance. I am really good with body language and I think I would be a true asset to these movies.

On that note - so much of the teen romance was done so well. I laughed through this entire movie at Ron's antics, at Harry on the Felix Felices (sp?) - I'm sorry, but Harry imitating Slughorn is the funniest bit of acting I've seen in a long while. Ron, after eating the candies is priceless - I love him climbing in bed with Harry, crosslegged and smiling goofily. I think it was overly humerous because it's very much something I can see a 12 year old girl doing.

The scene where the inferni come out of the water to grab Harry - OMG. I knew it was coming, I was holding my breath, waiting for it to happen. And then it happened and I about jumped out of my chair. They did it really well - especially considering a majority of the audience knew it was coming! I have to admit, that inferni pulling Harry down - grabbing hold...this has become, overnight, one of my worst fears. OMG. I would have liked to see more fear in his face. He was trying to get away, but I would have enjoyed more struggle, I think. By the time Dumbledore gets that AWESOME firebolt down to him, it almost seems as if Harry has given up. But, he may have been drowning at that point...It wasn't really clear. LOL.

Yes, yes, yes. The fire circle and red sea scene were awesome. I wonder if I didn't experience it as "awesome" as it could have been for me because I knew it was an "awesome scene coming up". Yes, I loved it. But I wasn't blown away by it. I may have spoilered myself out of it, sadly enough.

I pretty much loved Snape in this movie. I really liked the small things - the sharp jerk of his and Narcissa's hand before the unbreakable vow was performed. The scar residue after it was done.

I thought we'd see some of the dueling club. There was none.

I think what I loved most about this movie was the small gatherings of the trio. What I've been dying for most in all of these movies is to see the characters in their natural presence at Hogwarts, at Hogsmead, at the Burrow. Finally, we see Harry sitting how I thought Harry would sit. They finally "look" their age in their comfort levels with each other - their relationships - how they talk to each other.

The Lavender blowing hot air on the glass and drawing hearts...LMAO. I thought I was going to die. Dan's acting in that scene is priceless. He was about as awkward and uncomfortable as one can be. Hermione coming afterwards and seeing it and walking away - awesome.

I have a question - is Lavender English? I couldn't decide if she had a lisp, or another accent. She didn't really have any lines...

I just adored Emma in this movie. Her trying to get away from her Slughorn date...Harry helping. Yup, I loved it. I kinda adore it. I really like that you see the Harry/Hermione relationship so much in this movie. He really is a brother to her, and instead of them slapping us over the heads with everyone talking about it, I actually "saw and felt" it in this movie.

Ginny...well...Bonnie's not my favorite. It's not her fault, I suppose. I don't find her attractive, I don't see her as "my Ginny" as I do the other characters (although Emma is not exactly Hermione to a T...LOL)...I like how she was portrayed - she did a really good job. I would definitely have liked to see more dialogue between Harry and Ginny. There were a lot of pauses...a lot of looks, but not very much dialogue. The shoelace scene just felt a bit over-the-top instead of cute and sweet to me. I would have liked to see Harry protecting Ginny more...I think it would have been more funny had Harry tried to do more romantic gestures - like he does at the Christmas Slughorn party of standing up when she came to the table. That has to be one of my favorite scenes. That was hilarious. That kind of thing...but again, I'm nitpicking what I thought could have made "good", "better".

Tom did a great job with Malfoy - the bathroom scene was just as I'd always imagined it. I really appreciated the scene following where Harry is actually showing is horror in what he's done, and shaking with remorse. I think the lighting was too dark on his face - I would have liked to see his horror a bit more. I felt that the scene where Snape reprimands Harry was missing. He had no real authority get on to him for almost killing Draco, and I felt that that was a very important scene to keep. But, they did a good job in showing that Harry didn't mean to do it. I would have liked Harry to have been stumbling a bit more or saying, "I didn't know what it would do" in trying to explain it to Snape.

I really appreciated that they took the time to explain the Horcruxes. I thought it was done superbly, and they got the feeling of HBP, which is more than I hoped for. I've read a lot of reviews that said this movie was "marking time" for the next one. Well, in a way, it's not necessarily marking time, but "preparing" us and the characters for the blood bath that's yet to come.

I appreciated Half-Blood Prince all the more now that I've seen the movie, because I remember reading the book the first time. I remember being confused and let down because I hadn't felt that the book went anywhere. I didn't understand. And then I read DH, and I got it. The end is nigh and JKRowling did a great job in giving everyone one last breather, one last good day before the end begins. I get that now, and I appreciate it all the more now that I've seen it visually.

I was never bored in this movie. I was never curious that something wasn't explained well, or let down by any scene. There are things afterwards, when thinking about the movie in context, that I would have tweaked just so to make it as good as I believe it could have - but overall, I was very pleased with everything.

I found the scene where Ginny runs after Harry a bit over-the-top...I mean, why would she run after him and not the 4 adults? I wish that they had made reference to the Burrow after it was destroyed. I would have liked to have Fenrir explained - even a little. I am really sad that they didn't incorporate Bill and FLeur into the movie. In my opinion, she is one of the reasons that Harry and Ginny started talking...Ginny complaining to him about her.

I loved all of the hugs at the Burrow - it didn't feel forced to me, which I was grateful for. I loved the "toothpaste" scene. I loved Hermione talking about the love potion and what it smelled like to her.

I especially loved Hermione's "Shut up, Harry" while she's comforting Ron in the hospital wing. Yeah...I loved that. I also loved Harry's expression when Ron is being hoisted up after winning the Quidditch game and Hermione and him are discussing the potion Harry "didn't" give him. He's so smug - I love it.

Bellatrix scares the crap out of me. Voldemort, Schmoldevort. Bellatrix could be the true villian of this story. Helena is AWESOME.

I think I would have like to see a scene where Draco is really mourning his father being in Azkaban...or even Harry saying something to him about it. I realized afterwards - stupidly enough - that Draco was depressed at Hogwarts partly because his Dad was in Azkaban. I kept justifying it entirely as he was worried about having to kill Dumbledore.

As much as I liked the Lupin/Tonks romance - I wasn't horribly disappointed it didn't make it to the film. DH is going to have to pick up that relationship quick, though, to allow people to really mourn and concern themselves with their death, though...I'm curious to see how they split and do DH. I can't wait to see it.

I love Minerva in the scene where she sends Harry and Ron to Potions class. It really was the small things in this movie that made me just fall in love with it. The "fighting over the best book" part...Yeah. I loved it.

Ron talking about Hermione's skin after Harry talked about Ginny's skin...I thought that conversation was priceless.

I could just go on and on...I can't wait to see it again tonight ( hopefully, if I can get a babysitter...)

OMG, I am going to die from the heat. DIE!

Well, of course, not really...but I love being melodramatic when it comes to the climate. But it is in the 100s already, and I am burning. It's at that point where you walk outside in a t-shirt and you can actually feel the sun scorching your skin. It's quite interesting. I was literally watching my arm burn yesterday when I walked up to my parents house.

And don't even get me started on attempting to go swimming. I can't be outside from like 9 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. I just burn. And it's hot. So we've taken to swimming at sundown, which is really interesting because the bats come down and get their evening drinks out of the swimming pool. I worry for them a bit, though, because I can't imagine chlorine can't be very healthy for them. In years past, we've had at most 3 bats at one time. Last night was like something out of Batman - it was ridiculous. We had bats flying in circles above us - swooping down and almost hitting us in the heads as we sat still in the pool. It was both amazing and terrifying. I don't know why, but getting bumped in the head with a bat is something that now makes me hide under the covers. Sort of like when I see a roach or a spider - I just stand there in shock and pray pray pray that the thing doesn't come near me. And if it does, I run like hell and then take a good paranoid 5 minutes brushing off every inch of my body to make sure somehow, the thing didn't get attached to me somehow. And then I inch back to where the thing was and usually, it hasn't moved. But on the rare occasion that it has, and I can't find it...

I leave. I have been known to just get in my car. For some reason, if you go somewhere and come back, the thing (in my mind) is gone. Forever. Opposed to being gone for a few seconds - because then it is still in the vicinity of "attack". At least in my mind.

Yeah...it doesn't make any sense, but it's me and I don't feel the need to justify it. It just "is".


Lee has a new tooth - it is so cute! But oh, my - he has fussy moments. I'll be glad when he's not going through the pain of cutting teeth. It's not a pleasant experience, for me, and I'm sure not for him. Poor baby!

Paula made him a Harry Potter shirt - he's so cute! I can't wait to get pictures of him in it today. It seems like today is going so slowly! Tonight is the HBP midnight showing and I can't wait! I'm all set to go. I saw a few scenes this morning from the movie and instead of feeling satisfied that I saw something from it, I just feel hungry for more! Oh, how the hours of the day go slowly sometimes!

I finished my "Canadian Mounties" series from Janette Oak last night - I do so love that series. It makes me want to dress up in petticoats and skirts and go live with the Indians in the north.

Umm...Yeah.


I am greatly enjoying my Mom being home for the summer. I wish August never has to come in that retrospect. It just seems more fun when she's home.

I am considering going back to teaching this year. We have just enough debt that one year for me could put us in an amazing financial situation and then I wouldn't have to work...I just don't wanna. LOL! But I've got to think about more than what I want or don't want. It would be great to be able to take big trips on James' vacation, and to buy a new house and to be able to pay for mowers. LOL. I want a new car and this and that and I have a list as long as the Nile of things I want to buy for Lee, that we're just not able to at this point in our lives. But being debt free, with some money in the bank would let us both relax and enjoy life a bit more. We would definitely have more freedom, as I now equivilate financial comfort the definition of that term. I don't need to justify it to myself. I know what I need to do.

But I don't want to miss out on so much of Lee's life. But it won't be that terrible - I won't have to use daycare. James doesn't go to work until 2 p.m. and I would be home by 3:30 p.m. every day. I would just need my sister or dad to watch Lee for an hour and a half every day...

But DAEP? I am still having doubts on whether I want to or not. It is not a pleasant job, but it is freeing and offers a lot of time to read and write.

My losing weight journey is going well - only I feel deprived most of the time from the things I really want. Why can't we all just eat all day long every day and never worry about gaining weight? Seriously! I believe that this is one of life's more crueler jokes. Working out and watching what you eat - it makes me sad at time.

But I want to lose weight, and thus, I succumb.

I need to clean the house - it's always just a wreck whenever I come back from vacation...but I'm not going to do it today. Today, I've saved as a special HP day, and so I'm doing the irresponsible, fun kid thing until tomorrow. Real life can resume then. :)


I have a lot of things on my mind lately and I've been working through them in my own time over the past two weeks. I haven't come to any conclusions or had any huge epiphany's yet, but I'm at the point where I can mull over something for a while and then put it away until I can get it out again. There are several things I "need" to do, and things I probably "should" do, but I'm just not there. I have opened up communications with a very old friend of mine, and although we haven't actually had a real conversation yet, I'm looking forward to having one. I think it will be really nice to get a fresh perspective on things, to maybe rehash some old things, and to get some encouragement and hope for some new things.


James and I have been doing really well. I pretty much love him. LOL! He really is the best father - he does at least 50% of the work with Lee - and he's so good with him. He plays with him and cuddles and bathes and feeds him. I couldn't be more happy and pleased. When I see the two of them playing - James kissing Lee's face and Lee laughing - it fills me with such joy. I love looking at Lee. I keep staring at him - trying to see bits of me and James, and although I'm sure they are quite obvious, I never seem to see it. I just see this little person, this unique baby, that we created together.

One of the major things that has changed for me is my mentality on things. Instead of fearing of what might or might not happen in how I raise Lee, I find myself so excited and looking forward to teaching him all I can. I want him to be open and to be able to express himself. I want to teach him vocabulary so that he can use words to express himself. I think that "talking" is one of the greatest gifts a person can have. It allows a person to try and put the things that are going round and round in their head into words so that they can better understand where they are coming from, and where they are going in life. I also think that "finding yourself" is so important. I went around for years making stupid decision after stupid decision, because I was searching for something, someone. I couldn't figure out who it was or what I needed...Sex, money, romance, a relationship, dependancy...I thought everything I needed was dependant on this other person that I hadn't found yet. And then I found that person and I realized that I didn't need that person to become who I was. I already knew who I was - I just wanted someone to share it with. And I didn't feel that connection to anyone to talk about it until I met James.

But I want Lee to be able to know himself and not feel like he's searching for someone to fulfill himself. I want him to be accepting of different people and accepting of problems and life, without falling into the depression that it can sometimes take you. I want him to experience joy and happiness, but know that pain can make you stronger. I don't want him to ever feel that he isn't worth. And I meant to stop the sentence there. Worth everything. The world, attention, love, all of it. We all are. Because if we aren't, then what's the point? But I don't think on that, because I believe we are here for a purpose. To love and be loved. By God and by each other. And I am so excited to be able to teach him that.

I was so worried about being a parent, and then realized - I can do this. Because I love him so greatly - that is enough. Love is enough. Because through love, I will do everything I can to ensure him the best life I can offer. Because in love, that is what you do. That person becomes the one thing you put above all else. You consider them in every decision you make, you care about their feelings, their thoughts. I am in love with my child and will do anything and everything for him. And that means teaching him the differences between right and wrong. Showing him how to love and how to express.

And I am prepared for what that means, and I am not afraid. I finally understand what it means to be a parent.


I must admit something, as I close. I have been editing my beliefs out of what I write in attempts to protect my friends from having my religious beliefs thrown in their face. I don't want to come across as a bible thumper or make anyone roll their eyes in annoyance when they don't share my beliefs. I am a firm believer in giving everyone the choice to believe what they want to believe, and respecting their decisions to do so. I never want to come across as a person who looks negatively at them for what they believe just because it differs from what I believe. I know in my religion, nonbelievers choose a certain fate. I know that people who know and respect what I believe in, know what I must think about them not believing. I think, in a weird way, I have always felt guilty about that. I feel guilty to my friends for believing what I do about them for not believing. And I know it's a harsh belief, and because of that fact - I don't bring up religion...ever. Unless, I'm dragged into something or I feel exceptionally strong about something.

Here's the thing. I am guilty in my own beliefs for not talking about what I believe in, because in my belief, talking and sharing is something that I'm supposed to do. And yet, if I talk about it to my non-believing friends, I feel guilty for believing in their fate.

I will never be one to criticize one's belief. I believe that God created us differently from Angels because he wanted us to have "the choice". To believe or not believe, it's up to us. I don't believe it's about judging. I do believe it's all about choice. Believe one thing, you get one fate. Believe another, you get the other. I am not going to sit here and justify why I believe in the Bible, and why I call myself a Christian. I have been through too much and in my heart, I know that I have made it this far because God is in my life and Jesus is in my heart.

My point is this: I will never preach to one who doesn't want to hear it. If you come to me with questions, I will talk until I'm blue in the face. But I've decided from this day on, for the sake of my soul and the person I am working at being, I can no longer edit my beliefs out of prose.

Some people may think I'm an "uber Christian" or a "Jesus freak". I am sad that if that happens, it will mean that "being open" is only for the people who decide not to believe. The real test here, I suppose, will be in the reactions of those who don't believe what I believe and see if they critize or try and stay away from me.

The kicker is this - nothing about me has changed. I'm still the same person. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I still strive to accept and be open to different beliefs and personalities and thoughts. I may not agree with them or think they are right, but it is not my place to judge. What I think about things and how I choose to handle them is my own business. I work hard to be outwardly who I want to be. My inner conflict and struggle are my own.

But editing my beliefs out of my prose in order to not upset anyone who might be reading, or making extra sure that what I say is non-offensive, is just becoming difficult for my soul.

My friends love me, and that means they have to love me and respect my beliefs. Please don't love me despite my beliefs - that is completely offensive. But respect me enough to let me believe what I believe, without writing it off as a personality flaw. Because to me, it is so much more who I am and not what I do.

My Christianity is in my heart as much as my family and husband and son are. It is again, to me, the definition of Love. In all that I do, it will come first.

Ugh - have a 6 hour wedding today outside in the heat of the summer. I am such an idiot. It's only a million degrees and I'm going to die. Literally. Will have to keep myself MAJORLY hydrated, or I'm going to pass out.

Why do I torture myself like this?

Oh yeah...I love what I do. But I prefer doing it indoors...in air conditioning. Or the arctic.

And I have to wear black. Double uck.

So, on a side note - I tried sleeping pills last night. James got me some semi-safe ones, that are supposedly non-addictive - made by the people who do Tylenol PM. They WORKED! I was asleep before midnight. It was unbelievable. I feel more rested today than I have in over a year. Woot to the pills. Now, let's hope I can sleep on my own from here on out. I'm very paranoid when it comes to medication. It's just unnatural.

:)

I had an OB appointment on Monday to get a checkup on my C-section and get a Pap.

I freaked out and cancelled the appointment two hours before I actually went. I have to reschedule this appointment - it's very important, especially for someone like me. I had cervical cancer due to HPV. I can still remember my first Pap where they told me, "I see abnormal cells, we're going to have to get a biopsy". I had no idea at that point what that meant, where that would lead...

I have only been truly afraid a few times in my life. The first when I went to the police about my dad, and when I went home I was afraid I didn't have a home anymore to go home to. The second when I left home for the first time to go to college. When 9/11 happened. When my Dad had his first hip surgery. When I said "Yes" to marrying James. When my house got broken into.

But this was the worst. "You have cervical cancer, and we need to do more tests to see how far it's spread." Not "if" it's spread, "how far."

I was terrified because I was afraid I might suffer. I was afraid I might die. I was afraid to leave those I care about so much, and I was afraid of the pain they would go through in losing me.

And yet, none of that fear comes even remotely close to the terror I feel in finding out that my cancer has returned now that I have a child.

I'm trying desperately to gather my strength to go to the doctor to get my checkup. Everyone has been telling me, "I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm sure everything is going to be okay. Quit worrying".

Look. I know I have to. I know it has to be done. It's better to catch it early if something is wrong than later. I know it all. I get the drill.

But I am terrified of what the results might show. Please pray for me.

Am having trouble sleeping, still. I'm not sure if it's stress related - I don't *feel* stressed, but still - no sleep. I've been near tears for the past two days with nothing sad going on. I was just looking at my baby moments ago and tears came to my eyes and (as I roll my eyes at myself), before I could let myself become emotional, my practical side came through and I berated myself for being meledramatic and silly. What am I tearing up about? Who knows. I'm just feeling emotional and there really isn't anything that I know of that's causing it.

I had closure on an old aquaintance this past month and it was good to have it out and done and over with. Finally, I can move on. Finally, I can work through my past and finally, I can take a deep breath and not think about it every day. I feel whole again, like something that needed forgiving was all of a sudden forgiven. Like I've been carrying around this curiosity and guilt all these years and finally, I have an answer and salvation. I have no further temptation to contact this person, to inquire about where they are, who they have become, and wonder - do they ever think about me? Does this person ever feel for what happened between us? Did they ever care in the first place? I no longer have this need to know. I don't care. I can move on, and I am rejoicing in that fact. It's been a long time coming and I can move on without torment in my heart.

My baby is the most precious, beautiful, and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. How did I ever live without him in my life? I feel so complete in having him, in being responsible for him, in loving him. He is what I was here to do. To give him life and to love him with all of my heart. Much like how we were created by God so that he could love and be loved in return. I understand that now.

There is so much to having children that just "clicks" when you have them. Some of it happens right away, the first time you see your child, the first time you touch and hold your child. After my moment of mindnumbing fear, I was so deeply in love. There was no "falling in love" - Love was. It just existed. The kind that you have with family, the kind that your spouse turns into. I would do anything for my child. I will do everything in my power to protect him from the harsh realities and cruelties of this world. I will teach him strength and love and compassion and most of all - I will teach him about Jesus. The Lord will uphold you in his righteous right hand and will strengthen you. That part of Isaiah has gotten me through so much. I knew that whatever I faced, no matter how hard it was, that I would have the strength to do it because I had Jesus in my heart and he would help me and comfort me and be with me.

I wish that comfort for Lee. I pray for him to learn life as it happens and to not become overwhelmed with the negativity. I pray that he doesn't have to experience life as I have. I suppose all parents wish better for their children. I had a wonderful childhood. I had innocence for so long, and I cherish that. It was only after my innocence to this world was lost, that the world grew harsher and harsher and I found myself struggling to breathe. People can be cruel and hurtful. Jobs can be scarce and few things are "fair". But there is good in the world, and love, and sacrifice and compassion, and I want Lee to know those and to be able to look for those things in times of hardship.

I used to struggle so much because life wasn't what it should be. Everything I touched was disappointing and worse than I could have imagined. Few things were good and uplifting, and after a while, I was hardened by it all. A few years after that, I had almost given up. I found out one weekend that I was very sick, that I was dying - and I almost gave up. I was tired of trying. Nothing was as it should be and what was the point? But I believe that God saw me through and I understand now what his purpose was.

I have a purpose. I must keep trying and working and struggling for my child. Everything I do now, is for him. Every decision I make, has to be one in Christ and what is best for my child. I will do everything I can to preserve his innocence as long as I possibly can. I will shelter him from the world until he has the strength and conviction he needs to face the world.

My family will come first in all that I do, and our relationship will be a reflection of how Christ loved the Church.

I got closure this month and have faced my demons and am a new person.

I have almost convinced my husband to buy a BOB Revolution. I have been doing an enormous amount of research on the differences between umbrella strollers, jogging strollers, and full, light-weight strollers and have come to the conclusion that everyone is recommending the BOB Revolution in all 3 categories. When I bought my first stroller, I was looking for something inexpensive, compact, and easy to push. I chose the Graco SnugRide Infant Car Seat Stroller Frame, which I love. It's easy and has a huge basket for all of the *numerous* amounts of baby stuff one has to travel with. And at the time, I didn't think I wanted something as big and bulky as the Graco Metrolite (which is a stroller that I have since started re-considering) or something even larger...but as I've started walking and excercising in the heat, and have started to really have to work to push my baby down the street - I can see that walking on pavement just isn't what the Graco Frame stroller was intended for. Also, the fact that the Graco Frame Stroller only lasts while the baby is in the infant car seat. So I've been trying to choose one now for a while, and I'm so close to just going out and buying one. The price is what has me stumped a bit, as we are budgeting a bit tighter lately, but I've found a few places that sell them a bit more inexpensively than others. The only other thing that has me completely stumped is the necessity of buying a single vs. a double. I have myself completely convinced that we are going to have another child in the next two years. Do I want the single now, only to buy a double in a few short years, or do I want to go ahead and buy the double, using that second seat as a "my buddy" seat for now or is that "overly jumping the gun"?? I know that the selling price of a used BOB is still pretty high and so I feel confindent that even if I did re-sell my single that I would get a good portion of the money back, but I would still lose a good hundred or so. So, thoughts?

I have a "Awesome list of 4 baby things I want" going. They are as follows:

1. The BOB Revolution (obviously)

2. An Ergo Baby Carrier (organic - I am fond of the Cranberry color, actually, and I have a little boy so I'm worried a bit on what my husband will think as he'll be wearing it as well, even though he just refuses to put on the Baby Bjorn...I think it's my favorite color. LOL!

3. A Burley d'lite ST - I'm trying to shed the pounds by getting into shape and this seems like the ideal way to do it. I've always enjoyed bike riding and my parents actually had the "Burley Bee" for my sister and me when we were young and we loved it. I know that my son will enjoy it as well, and his sibling-to-be.

4. A Britax Boulevard - It's just awesome. I haven't been introduced to anything better as of yet and so am pretty satisfied in my choosing of it. My son isn't of age yet where we need it, but we'll be buying it soon.

Five things I couldn't live without this week are as follows:

1. My Peg-Perego high chair. I just love it!

2. My JVC Everio - it's letting me capture so many fond memories of my son and family!

3. My Buffy and Angel DVDs. I can watch them a hundred times a day and strangely enough, have yet to tire or bore from then. Joss Whedon is a *genius*.

4. My DDR. I'm playing a good hour a day in hopes of doing continuous physical activities during the day. I've forgotten how much fun it can be, although I wish I had some of my old DDR partners to play with.

5. My Astro-van. At first, I almost completely rejected the idea of me driving a mini-van. Now, after seeing the perks of driving around my family, as well as the extra necessary space it provides for me and my baby, I have completely fallen in love with it. I now know that once my husband and I finish paying off our Toyota Highlander, that I will be searching for a new and improved van or SUV. It's just going to become a necessity for our growing family.

So, I had my first wedding today this year. Wedding season has thus started. It was an 8 hour wedding, in the middle of nowhere...seriously, we had to drive for an hour and a half towards...that way (point at random direction), past all life and civilization, where *goats* were actually on the road in my way, to which I had to stop for 3 minutes honking my horn for them to move. And to top that off, my TomTom let me know, once more, that in the middle of said road, in the middle abso-freaking nowhere, that I, of course, had reached my destination.

So we drove another 20 minutes down said road, and actually found the *real* destination. Thank you, TomTom for getting me kinda-sorta in the vacinity of the location I was headed for.

I get to the wedding, and of course, the bride is freaking out - why can't I ever photograph a calm bride? I was a calm bride. A hungry bride, if I recall, but a calm one. Any-hoo...I digress. The bride is freaking out already and I show up so they start to put on her dress...

...and it doesn't fit.

In all of my photography experience, I've never had a wedding dress not fit on the day of the wedding. Apparently, her zipper broke in a fitting a week ago, and the dress lady fixed the zipper and in doing so, made the dress too tight.

So the bride promptly burst into hysterical sobs of horribleness, and the bridesmaids started crying and they were all standing there crying and the bride was in her bra and underwear and it was just sad.

I finally tried to calm the situation down and was very soothing and we got a knife and cut out the zipper part and just laced it up. It ended up looking fine, and at least she could wear it, excluding the bra. It worked out fine.

But I'll never forget her sobbing scream of, "I can't get married in my pajamas in front of all those people!"

...

So off we went for pre-wedding pictures, which ended up starting about an hour late due to the beforementioned soap opera freak-out session. The bride, from the get-go, decided that somehow us starting late was *my fault* and pretty much proceeded to stomp her foot at me until I finished, which I did in less than 15 minutes (go me) and then, after I announced I was done, she suddenly got a second wind and decided that she wanted "this picture" and "that picture" and "how about here" and "oh, don't forget here". This went on for another 20 minutes and then she was ever-so happy with me. *rolls eyes*

Then she decides she wants to go outdoors for a few. This wouldn't be a bad thing, except that today of all days, Texas got flood-level rain (weird) and the grass was soaking wet and muddy. The kind of wet that seeps through your tennis shoes. But does that stop her? No. She tromps through the mud like a champ in her 4 inch heels or whatever...and procceeds to get stuck in the mud. So she just stops and starts screaming at the ranch, like anyone can hear, and when no one answers, she starts crying again - freaking out that mud is going to ruin her dress and this and that...

So I run back to the ranch really quickly and grab a groomsman, who saves the day by going outside and picking her up and bringing her back to the ranch, announcing that it's wet and she's going to ruin her dress.

Thank God.

Obviously, this fiasco took so much time that I didn't get to the boys. Which I explained to her pre-wedding, that we'd just have to do them after if she still wanted them.

She did.

So the ceremony was short and sweet. My camera hung at the kiss (freaked me out completely), so I had to do a reinactment, which ended up being better than the real kiss, so I was happy (and so was the groom apparently. He was a bit cheeky). Then post-wedding pictures started.

Again, 5 minutes in, the bride was stomping her toe at me to hurry. I did, but it just pissed me off. Why do people hire me and go over the itenerary with me and plan me into things, if they really don't want to do pictures? It is so annoying!
But I did my job (well) and got through it in awesome time and everyone sat down to eat.

Eating was good - got lots of pictures with people chewing...people stuffing their face...good stuff that the bride wanted me to *make sure I got*...

Okay...

And onto drinking and dancing.

Has anyone else done a reception where everyone stands in a circle and sings "Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks? I can now say "I have."

Jealous?

Everyone then proceeded to get absolutely *SMASHED* and all in all, it was hilarious on my side of things. I have a picture of a girl jumping into the air into a cowboy's arms to the Dirty Dancing song, "I've had the time of my life." Like - above the head and everything. I got all of the bridesmaids Beautiful woman-i-fying their bridesmaid's dresses and somehow getting them to go from floor-length to crotch-length to show-off their hot-pink cowgirl boots. I got a picture of table dancing and the groom getting a lap dance from the maid-of-honor. (so uncomfortable) The list just goes on and on.

The wedding ended very quickly, and before I knew it - I was in the car headed home.

I LOVE not being pregnant anymore. My feet hurt after, I was a bit tired, but I didn't feel like I was dying, and I didn't puke as soon as I walked in the door.

Such a relief.

So I just hired a cleaning lady. It fills me with this overwhelming joy. I am so happy - I can't wait to get my home in order again. I'm going to get my sunroom cleaned out and organized. I'm going to finally get the linens on the guestbed put on and get that room finished. The floors will all be cleaned, the baseboards, the couches...oh! I'm just so excited.

The baby has fallen in love with his TinyLove banana. If you have a child and don't have this toy - you don't know what you are missing.

I have also been inspired as of this morning to create the ultimate "what to buy for your newborn" list, as I don't really think an accurate one exists on the interent, or at least to the best of my searches. There were many items I would have *DIED* without, and plenty that I thought I would need and ended up throwing out.

I'll keep you posted. :)

So, I haven't been sleeping for several months now. I just can't seem to. I lie there and break out in sweats. Or I lie there and feel incredibly anxious and stressed out, even though I can't label any one problem. I just toss and turn and try to turn on the TV, but I don't want to keep James up or wake the baby, so I end up coming in here and just chillin' at the computer for hours on end.

I've got a lot going on in my life and although I haven't been feeling the stress kick in and make me my normal stressed-out self, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm really more stressed than I think I am and it's what is affected my lack of sleep.

I'm also dealing with some emotional baggage lately - trying to figure out if I'm seriously okay with just being a stay-at-home mom, or if it's just something I'm trying to convince myself that it is because that is the situation in which I find myself currently in.

I could do anything I wanted. I still believe that. Have I given myself any time for selfish feelings? Am I suddenly feeling resentful that I've given too much of myself to others and there is nothing left for me to grasp onto?

I'm having problems and I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know if I could label them if someone asked me to tell them whats wrong.

Is this postpartum depression? I thought it hit people earlier on. And don't get me wrong - I am so thrilled and happy with Lee. And he's finally sleeping through the night (mostly). But I am being kept up at night wondering if I am doing him wrong by trying to stay at home with him. I want to instill in him a working attitude so that he can be successful in life. I want to provide for him as much as available - and how can I do that financially if I'm not working full-time. If I stay at home with him, will he grow up thinking that that is the norm? That when he looks for his soulmate, he will look for someone to just take care of him, instead of working and providing for a family of his own, because that is how I raised him to be?

I don't know anything about how to raise a man to be a man. I am terrified by my lack of success in life, that he will follow in my footsteps and have the hardships that life has dealt me.

I've not felt myself since the baby was born. I'm finally just going to schedule an appointment and find out if there is something wrong with me. I'm terrified that I'm sick again. Perhaps it's all in my head.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't even want to get into it right now. I am so pissed. DirecTV has just screwed me out of $200.00. No one will help me (notice I didn't use the word "can"), no one will be helpful, no one will listen to me.

They are the scum of the earth as far as I'm concerned and I have cancelled my service with them. They have chosen to keep my money above trying to make me a happy customer.

They refuse to give me the information I requested. I asked for a phone number of the person above the useless college student supervisor, and of course, there is no such number. You have to email them.

HOW DO YOU EMAIL THEM IF THE INTERNET YOU ARE PAYING FOR DOESN'T WORK???

They can just die and go to hell. I am so pissed.

I HATE and DESPISE DIRECTV internet.

Lee has a terrible, bloody, red, diaper rash - he's had it since last Monday, and we've tried everything. I need mother's suggestions on how to fix this, and yes, we've called the doctor twice about it.

We first were using Pampers sensitive skin diapers - they were fabulous. Lee had no problems. On his 2 week appointment, we ran out of those, and moved on to "White Cloud", which was given to us at a shower. Within 2 hours of having one diaper on, Lee developed a bloody diaper rash - only along his anus. It's not anywhere else - not rashy or anything. Raw. It's like his skin around his butt was rubbed off. It looks horrible.

We've been using Cortizone ointment and Aqua 4 all week to try and rid him of this. It hasn't helped. However, the rash hasn't worsened. But poor Lee is so uncomfortable every time he has gas or a bowel movement - it just breaks my heart.

I've finally just removed his diapers and he's currently laying on his belly in the baby bed - I've put cloth diapers all under him, but I read that air is the best medicine for diaper rash.

Am I doing the right thing? Has this method worked for anyone else? Or is there something better I can be using and doing?

Please Help!

Lee is just adorable in his Razorback blanket that Shari gave me. I love how it is so soft and snuggly. It's better than a baby snuggie. Lee loves it. Dad wrapped him up in it today and he fell right to sleep after eating his first 3 oz. bottle in two days. Whoo-hoo! He actually slept for more than 2 hours today - Hallalujah! I was able to vaccuum the den and the living room, wash and steralize his bottles, make 6 bottles to store in the refridgerator, pay the bills, eat a snack, and type out this schpeal on livejournal while he napped. Now that I'm done, I'm ready for a nap and he's about to wake up for a bottle, diaper change, and then maybe...just maybe, he'll drift off for another 2 hours and I can get a nap.

I went over to the community center today. The woman in charge (I must learn her name as I'll be working with her in the future) hired me to come and take photographs of the new ballroom floor, chandeliers (sp?) and other new flooring to put in the paper. This is hopefully, the place where we'll have our new studio as soon as they finish the renovatios. We'll see.

Anyway, Lee and Dad and I went over there and I shot for about an hour and then I was exhausted because I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night, and so I was very enthusiastic about running over to sonic for a cherry-vanilla DP, which I got for me and James, and Dad got a Diet coke (how boring)...We took James' up to the hospital and oh, he just looked as exhausted as I felt, poor guy. I'm gonna have to let him get at least 7 hours tonight, opposed to 5. He's just going to drop dead on his feet at work if I don't. So I'll nap in the next few hours as much as possible.

I've been trying to get my PFW reading done for tomorrow's podcast, but honestly, at this point, I am starting to get worried that I'm not going to get done. Yes - I'm taking 5 minutes of my time to write this, that I could be reading, but I am dead-set on keeping a journal of life with Lee and I will devote 10 minutes a day to this, if it kills me. :)

But hopefully, when I'm up at all hours of the night, I can finish my chapters and get some really insightful notes completed. I'm going to have to just read ahead of time for the next story - it's so awkward for me to come in on the last two episodes of a story that I haven't read in forever (and don't remember much) and then try to catch up and be insightful and make notes. It's just not happening. Last week, I felt like it was a disaster, because I had only finished half of the required reading - however, I read 30 chapters in two days of a new story, so it's not like I slacked...I just couldn't get there fast enough. This week, I just haven't had the time to devote to reading the other 20 chapters or so of the story. Lee went from sleeping 3 hours at a time, to sleeping 1 1/2 hours and then being up for 2-3 hours - leaving me little time to get much done and that's not including "fun things". Laundry, dishes, bottles, diaper changes, and vaccuuming have taken over my life. LOL!

Anyway...I'm gonna see how tonight goes for tomorrow's podcast, and if not - then I'm just going to "officially" begin with the new story, so I can stay on top of things, opposed to feeling behind and that I'm just lagging...

This is also the first week I've had Lee during 1:30-11:00 p.m. by myself. I had help the first 2 weeks of Lee's life and it was wonderful. I was so sad to see everyone go. A little baby is a lot of work - especially after recovering from childbirth. But we've only just yesterday started getting on enough of a routine that I can live and function and hopefully it will stick. It took me a good 2 or 3 days to sit myself down and just mentally decide and prepare myself that "yes, I can do this" and "yes, I want to do this." I honestly don't think anyone can get through having an infant with the mentality of "not wanting to". There is no such mentality with a baby. At least, not with me. When I start the "I don't wanna" mentality, it's really hard for me to stay on top of things, and as I want to be a good mother and parent, I need to stay on top of things.

It's really funny, because during my pregnancy, I was so behind on everything. I was behind at work all the time, behind on laundry, forget cooking - forget any extracirriculars that required time, energy, or thought...I basically became a bed-potato, with little patience, energy, or motivation to do anything. Near the end, I was praying that this baby would provide the spark I needed to get off my bum and to get on with my life. Low and behold - it has. And I'm thrilled. I have the energy to do what needs to get done. My motivation has returned in full. I know a lot of parents who have a baby and they go, "Well, my life is over. I've got a baby at home and that's my life." Umm...not me. I had my baby and all I can think about is what I want to do next in my life. Having the studio at home for a small amount of time has given me the opportunity to sit and think about what it is that I want out of life, what it is that I want to do.

You know - I saw a jazz band the other night at the V-day dance that we did, and I was almost frothing at the mouth to get up there and perform with them. I so desperately miss my horn and playing in a band, and singing in NuFusion, and just "belonging" to a group that performs. I honestly can see myself going and getting my Masters in Horn Performance and auditioning for the Fort Worth SO. I really think that would be fantastic. When I was teaching horn lessons at Castleberry High School a few years ago, I was talking to Phil Aikman after performing Beauty and the Beast with them, and he honestly asked me why I hadn't auditioned before and why I wasn't playing professionally. I was so taken aback, because before that, I'd always viewed myself as a "pianist" or "photographer". Never a professional horn performer. But the more I think back to that conversation, and several others I've had since with other horn instructors, it makes me realize how much I miss it and how much I gave up that last day of college.

God - that was horrible. Having to return my horn to the band department after 9 years of playing...I just turned my back on it. I cried all that night - I already missed it. And I kept telling myself, "You will get a horn of your own very soon" and so forth...but no one I could find would "rent" a professional horn, and I was broke - beyond broke - and couldn't afford even a $2-5,000 dollar horn...and still can't - but I have a newfound need to find a way. I will have a horn in the next year and I will start performing again. Even with the photography business.

Today's Lee story: For some reason, Lee is beginning to scream whenever someone else holds him, whether it be James or my dad. And he'll scream and scream and scream until finally I go over to him and pick him up. Immediately, he'll quiet down and go to sleep - but the second I hand him over to someone again, he starts screaming again. I hope this doesn't last. I think it's hurting their feelings.

I am having a great deal of trouble with facebook lately - like, the past week. I'm really tired of all of the problems with it and the fact that I can't post or answer emails on it or anything. It just won't load correctly. It is just a big mess. I can't even find anywhere on it (through the mess) to contact the people who run facebook and let them know I'm experiencing a great deal of trouble with it. It seriously annoys me because I have pictures and videos and news to update. Almost all of my friends and family are on it and it's such a great way for me to talk to them. Kind of a one-post station where everyone is broadcasted. I love it. However, I'm really not loving the week-long errors with it.

Is anyone else having the same kinds of issues with facebook? Does anyone have any ideas of what's going on with it, or how to get in contact and let someone know I'm having issues with it so it can be corrected??

I think it's hilarious that LiveJournal lets you know when you last updated. It's also somewhat sad and embarrassing that it's been almost an entire year since I last posted. Sigh. But things are going very well - as always, life is always changing and getting more interesting in my neck of the woods, and as always, I have much more to tell than time to tell it in.

But the biggest and main event to announce is the birth of my beautiful baby boy, Lee Russell. He was born on January 26th, at 8:44 p.m. He was 7 lbs. 5 oz. and 20 inches long at birth, with bright red hair (that has drastically turned blonde and brown since birth) and a healthy set of lungs.

After trying for a natural birth for 13 hours with the help of the magnificant epidural, Lee eventually got stuck (he wouldn't turn his head correctly to come out) which caused my pelvis to swell, and we ended up having to do an emergency C-section last minute. The c-section was pretty much as horrific as I'd imagined it to be...and imagine is the key word. You don't feel anything and obviously, you don't see anything, but it's the "imagining" what you are seeing and feeling that is what's so horrific about the surgery. The hour it takes to be cut open and stitched back together was probably one of the most traumatizing experiences of my entire life, and they told me that my next baby will 100% be delivered the same way, which adds to my "never going through that" feeling...but hopefully in a few years, the memory will dull and I'll want another - because I do want at least two. I think that would be a good sized family...and allow Lee a friend growing up.

The first 3 days after a c-section are interesting in that you are obviously in a great deal of pain from being cut open, but the drugs are good, and you have a brand new baby - so everything emotionally "good" gets you through the first couple of days. Then, the lack of sleep finally sets in and you get used to having the baby at home for the first couple of nights and then you are just living on fumes...I keep waiting for that feeling to wear off soon - but we've just started week 3 today, and I'm more tired than ever. You know you are really exhausted when you decide that you really can go just one more day without dragging yourself to the shower. Even if the baby did just spit up all over you for the 3rd time today.

Well...that's pretty gross, actually. I have been very good about getting a good 10 minute shower in every other day. But this, compared to my 2-3 bath soaks a day during the last month of my pregnancy feels quite different from each other. I do miss baths. I can't wait until my 6 week clearance back to health.

The strangest side-effect, I've come to realize from the c-section is "where" I hurt in my abdomen, even 3 weeks after. It's not my cut that hurts - except when my pants rub against it and causes it to feel irritated...no - that's not the worst of it. It's my upper abdomen, my upper stomach that has caused me the most pain. It almost throbs at times and I'm not sure if it's normal or not. I'm hoping it is...But it's very uncomfortable and my super-Ibprofin drug always seems to help - as does laying on my back and being still for 4 hours, but it's weird to me that I hurt so far up when I was cut so low...you know?

Anyway...having Lee at home has been a completely new experience than I was prepared for - which says a lot, because I think I couldn't really have been any more prepared for his arrival. I had already focused on all of the downsides to having a newborn (lack of sleep, late night feedings, TONS of diaper changes, after tons of diaper changes, spit-ups, etc...)which I focused on so that nothing would surprise me, because I'm determined not to get depressed or whatnot...I'm one of those people that if I can be prepared with no surprises, I can get through most anything. It's the not-knowning and being prepared for things that make me crash and stumble through things.

As prepared as one is for having a newborn, and I'm really glad I was as prepared as I was, no one can imagine what it's like to have a baby in the house if they've never had one before. It's just very constant. You don't get "breaks" to do what you want. At this point in his life, it's very difficult to schedule anything, as there is no such thing as a "schedule" with him right now. I tried that - 3 oz. formula should equal 3 hours of sleep. Umm...not really at all. Today, Lee has proven that not true in that he won't eat more than an oz. or so per feeding, which makes him start screaming an hour-two hours after a feeding...And there is nothing I can do to get him to eat just a tad bit more so he'll sleep a tad bit longer.

And I'm not entirely sure that's a good mentality to have...but with the numerous hours of sleep lost, it's difficult not to think it at times. James had a long weekend this weekend, and has to return to work tomorrow. I'm making him sleep in the guest room tonight, because heaven forbid he go to work tired and then come home and try to stay up all night again with the baby. No one can do that over and over and not be sick and cranky. So everyone pray for me that Lee will sleep good tonight and allow me to get in a few hours!

At the same time, as busy as one is with a newborn, and as constant as he is, there is still long moments of downtime. That's the best I can come up with to describe the downtime. It's not quite enough time to get anything really done - I can do the dishes and bottles in one downtime, I can do a load of laundry, or take a shower, but between diaper changes and feedings and his need to be held at the moment, I'm finding myself in front of the t.v. for long hours of the day, which is something I'm quite unaccustomed to and have been for many years. I remember in college, we would have farscape weekend marathons and such, where we literally would go get food and stash it and lay in bed for like, 20 hours a day, and watch a show from start to finish and not do anything else - which was heaven, by the way...but to do it day after day now is starting to feel a bit strange. It's so funny, because we prepared so much for the baby - the house is clean. We are totally caught up on the laundry, dishes, and food. I'm editing when I can - which hasn't been a lot, and everything else - I haven't really felt up to doing yet. So T.V. has been captivating as of late. I'm enjoying re-catching up on some tv shows and getting into some new ones.

I tell you what, though...when you are at home a lot, you just don't feel like re-watching things you've already seen a thousand times. I've had the strangest itchings to see and rent. Today's "wants" included "Seaquest" - which I haven't seen in ages, but am suddenly desperate to see and own it. "Saved by the Bell" because I came across it on t.v. at a 5 a.m. showing or whatnot and re-fell in love with Zach Morris...(grins) and "Witness" because Harrison Ford is just pretty gorgeous most of the time.

James actually went to blockbuster tonight to rent that one, and of course, they don't carry it. Typical.

He's calling me now to come in and watch Heroes. Gotta run, but my goal is to update much more often - especially with Lee info, as I want to remember as I go.

Today, Lee learned how to make fish faces with his lips. It's adorable.

My best friends just had their second baby! Congratulations guys!!

Here is a link to the first appearance of Mia. I love Raeleigh's "bebe" talk. I can't believe she's talking yet! She's so big. I can't wait to go see them soon. I'm so proud!

http://www.jayandleighanne.com/movies/Mia-born.mov

I love you guys.

I suppose there isn't much to say other than the phone rang this morning at 11:00 a.m., and me being a complete laze, was still in bed. I guess you should know that I don't usually work on Saturdays, unless I have scheduled an appointment, and I almost always try to schedule in the afternoon.

Well, a while ago, about 3 weeks ago, I photographed the most demonic children I've ever had the displeasure to come across in my life, and the mother came back and insulted me every way she could think of. But I put up with it, because, well - that's what you do when you own a business. You put up with people's crap all of the time and you have to deal with it and move on.

So I tried to appease her. I tried to reschedule an appointment for her and her kids, where they could come in, fed and napped and in good spirits. Well, we scheduled an appointment, and then she called this week and CANCELLED. So I didn't bother getting up this morning, to be at the studio for her to arrive, because as far as I knew - she wasn't coming.

Well, that's where the phone call comes in. So I get this phone call from my dad, who just happened to be working at the studio this morning (building a barn-door for our barnyard kids segment we're doing for the rodeo, which consequently means that there are 2x4s all over the studio floor, sawdust, tools, dangerous objects...I've been staying out for the past two days...) - and this woman and her two kids show up.

"We had an opening, and since I'd already made the appointment originally, I thought I could just do a walk-in..."

Umm...

No.

But my dad was up there, and didn't know what was going on - he just knew that we were doing a re-shoot with her to appease her, because she was going to talk badly about US, even though it was HER kids that were atrocious...so he calls me and tells me to get up there to the studio ASAP - because she's there, ready to shoot.

Okay. Here's why this is a problem.

1. Lazy morning in bed means no shower, no clean clothes, no hair combing, etc...

2. I live at least 10 minutes away, and even if I did jump and get clothes on, it would still take me almost 20 minutes to get up there...

3. She CANCELLED!!!

So I called my mom to complain. Mom was horrified, because evidently, she had talked to the woman and knew that she was coming back in...but as our new January date book hasn't come in yet (which is a really bad thing), she hadn't written it down, so I didn't see it, so I wasn't there, so the studio looked like a construction site, but we had to do these people right for the sake of our good name.

So Mom says - "This was my fault. You have to get up there and do the shoot."

"But nothing is set up! I can't even walk into the studio! It's going to take 15 minutes just to get the lights set up, not to mention, we took the backdrops down to keep them clean while dad worked! Just give her a refund and send her on her way!"

"We can't do that, Jennifer. She just wants some good pictures. Just get up there, now."

So I did the only thing I could do in a situation like this. I burst into tears.

James comes running into the room, totally freaked out and worried that something is really wrong, and I'm just sitting there in bed, holding the phone, completely freaking out, and sobbing. He obviously heard my side of the conversation, so he goes "What can I do?"

So I lashed out at him, screaming, "Find me some jeans!!"

Evidently, screaming and sobbing come out very angry, and so he takes a righteous moment and tells me, "You don't have to take it out on me."

Which NEVER helps.

So I jump out of bed, still crying, and tell him to get out - I've got to go! And he scoots to the living room and I get dressed and yank my hair in a ponytail and...can't find my shoes. Because it's ALWAYS something. So James finds my shoes and my purse and gets dressed himself - he's going to come with me to help dad move the lumber so that we can hurry and clear the studio for these wretched people.

But he has to take his car, because as soon as he finishes helping dad, he's got to come back to the house to get showered and dressed so that he can get to work...

So I get in my car and drive like a maniac to the studio - I get there in like...6 minutes. And I run inside and start setting up lights. I'm almost ready to get the people in, when dad gets a phone call from James.

Evidently, his car stalled and quit on the highway on his way to the studio, and some old man has pulled over to help - which is the phone that James is calling from...so dad, who has been moving lumber goes - you guys finish this - I have to go pick up James, because his car just died on the highway.

Okay. Now I'm pissed. This stupid woman has caused me to wake up early, burst into tears, totally freak out, hurry and move lumber, and now - we have a dead car. I totally put the blame on her. LOL.

So I start the shoot, and dad goes and picks up James and they are dealing with calling the tow company and so forth, and the kids are just as I expected. Crying, eating crackers that spill over the newly cleaned backdrops...it doesn't go well. Again. Because the mother has absolutely no control over her kids, and her kids refuse to sit anywhere for longer than 10 seconds...The shoot is just impossible, but me - being determined to get them a good shoot - I just sit it out.

Eventually, we both come to the conclusion that we just aren't going to get a good photo with these kids and I unwillingly come to the conclusion that we are just going to have to give her a refund.

So I do, slightly ungratefully, because - I've done 2 shoots now, with her hell-spawn, with the same results. I refuse to take blame, and yet - I had to pay her so that I could be put through hell for almost 3 hours combined.

Anyway - I was unhappy about that, and she's getting her kids together and taking a full hour to make her way out the door. I swear - some people are more slow than...well, I can't think of anything slower at the moment.

But anyway - They finally get out the door, and as they are pulling out, and I'm sighing with relief, we suddenly hear this CRASH.

The woman, has backed into the big strip sign out front, and instead of stopping like a normal person, she just keeps on backing up, and pretty much rips the left side of her car off.

Now, she has two kids in there under the age of 13 months, and she's on her cell phone - I look over at dad and just watch the blood drain from his face.

OMG. We've just finally given her a refund, we've sent her on her way, and now we're going to get sued because she can't drive.

So we rush out there, praying that no one is dead or anything, and everyone is okay - thank GOD, but her car...ugh. Not good. It was ugly. So we bring her back inside to call the insurance company...blah blah blah. I don't think we can be held liable for it...

So dad stays with her, and she finally leaves, and I leave with mom to go to James and Shannon, who are now back in his car, broken down on the side of the road, waiting for the tow truck. So we all go out there, and finally the tow truck comes, and we tow the truck to the studio (about 2 miles), and we leave it there, because the mechanic doesn't open until Monday - and they have a fence around them, and there is no way to drop it off and leave it. So I hope that on Monday, when I call - they will come and pick up the car for free...they are right down the road...

One can hope.

But anyway - after all of THAT...horrific morning, I'm finally back at home, doing laundry and trying to forget what happened to me this morning.

Why me?

Wow. I feel like I haven't updated in forever, and I'm too lazy to look and see when exactly my last post was...and how long it's been.

Work has been crazy. PotterFicWeekly has been busy! I've really let the house down as far as wife-duties go. I hope to remedy that this weekend. I've already started on the laundry. Only 500 more loads to go. You know - I've always liked clothes. I've always thought it was better to have too much of something than never enough. Unfortunately, because I have so many clothes, I can manage to go for almost 2 months without doing a load of laundry. And each time, I cringe and claim that I'll never let it go this long without not doing laundry in between - that when the laundry basket gets full - that'll be it. I'll do the laundry, fold, put up and that'll be that. I'll get on a cycle.

Except that then I just get busy. And tired. And forgetful. And the pile grows. And then, one day, I go to my underwear drawer - and realize that I'm down to my last pair. And then I cringe, and the vicious cycle repeats itself.

So my question is this: Is it really a good thing to have more than enough? Because I'm starting to wonder...

Anyway - I've got good news! I'm going to New York! Finally! Finally! Finally!

I'm actually thrilled to be able to finally get to go. It's always been a dream of mine. Way back when - when I wanted to be the next Broadway star (which I've just figured out that Broadway is more of a street than a theatre...who would have guessed?)...I'm just so excited!

And I'll get to meet some of the people I've talked to for over a year now on the internet. I'm finally going to be "one of those people who met someone on the internet and went to meet up with them..." - only it's neither romantic nor is it frightening...Hence - I'm going. LOL. If anyone is going to become paranoid about that kind of thing - it's me. But I have no worries - none. Not a one about this trip. Except that I'll get to hang out with some friends for the weekend in a city that I've always dreamed of visiting. It really is something, and I'm too much in awe right now to be too excited. I know the few days before I actually get on the plane will be unbearable..as I hate last minute waiting. It's very much one of those "Hurry up and wait" sort of things. Which is annoying all in itself.

Meanwhile - I'm using the next three weeks to read up on everything I hadn't even wondered about New York. I'm determined not to just be a normal tourist. I plan to at least be a semi-informed tourist. When they say "Let's go see the Statue of Liberty" - I actually want to know what that is. LOL. Of course, that's taking the exaggeration a bit far. I'm not nearly that dumb. But...I did think Broadway was an actual building...so who knows what else I've misconceived.

I did stare at the New York subway system for a few hours last night...I find them extremely colorful and complicated and I don't have a clue what the numbers and letters mean, nor do I understand the concept really. I remember being on the metro in DC when I was in high school - but really - all I can remember is being so impressed by how big the ceiling was, and how fast they were. It was actually really fun - like a ride. And then there were all of the homeless people when I got up the stairs - and I didn't know that you weren't supposed to talk to them. So I would have these lovely conversations with them and they would tell me about Jesus and hand me roses, and I thought they were just really nice to tourists...until my teacher came back and yanked the pamplets and roses out of my hand and gave them back and rushed me forward.

How was I supposed to know they were homeless? I'd never seen a homeless person in my life.

Anyway - I refuse to be labeled a "small-time" girl who is from the country who doesn't understand or know obvious things...So I'm doing research. LOL. I feel somewhat capable...I mean - I live in a metroplex. I grew up in a very educated, cultural environment. I grew up "in" a Texas city. But after going to San Francisco, I see how different Fort Worth is from that...I'm curious to compare New York to both Fort Worth and San Francisco.

My only worry is that I'm going to accidentally embarrass the people I'm staying with to the point of regret...LOL.

And I'm trying to find a camera to take...I actually don't really want to take mine - although I do want it. I just feel that it's big and bulky (not to mention expensive) and people always stare, and it's embarrassing...plus it's big...I want something I can hide and take out when I want it and put it back in my purse when I'm done. However...I want some really awesome pictures - and the only way to get them is to take the camera I want to...

We'll just have to see. I haven't yet made up my mind on the issue yet.

Well - I've got loads to review on, so hopefully I'll be able to get those out soon. I've read quite a few books and have seen quite a few movies.

Current recommendations:

Books: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, The Twilight Series, A Great and Terribly Beauty by Libby Bray (am still working on the other two), When Comes a Prince by Liz Higgs, and Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.

Movies: Atonement. It's amazing and breath-taking and horrific.

TV Shows: Kyle XY, The X-Files

Okay, so I've had some sort of funky stomach virus flu thing the past two days and have been bed-ridden, and as lately I've grown tired and frustrated with TV since the writer's strike (I'm sort of striking television for not fulfilling my fan watching needs), I've been getting back to books.

I've really forgotten how much I love to read books. I think with fanfiction and the internet, I've sort of gotten away from "reading" - and when I'm reading fanfiction, it doesn't feel like sitting down with a book to read a story. I think I short-change myself into thinking that "I haven't read a book in ages", which is true in the very literal sense of the word, but not true at all in that I read constantly online.

So I've been putting out the effort to reacclimate myself with books, in the literal sense of the word. I've been trying all sorts of new books, trying to find a new series that I can sort of attach myself to until the next comes along.

This week, I fell in love with "The Twilight Saga" by Stephanie Meyer. "Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse", although a forth novel "Breaking Dawn" will be released in August of 2008, I think.

Anyway, here is the synopsis:

Twilight:
17-year-old Isabella Swan, or Bella, moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington, to live with her father, Charlie. She misses Phoenix terribly, but quickly becomes intrigued with the Cullens, especially the exquiste Edward Cullen. At first, it would seem that Edward hates her, but eventually, Bella deduces that Edward does not hate her, but instead stays away from her to save her own life because he is a vampire. The two fall in love with each other, but because of issues with their races, they are not able to fully express themselves. Throughout Twilight, several life-threatening situations occur, but none are as climactic as when vampires who do not fit in with the Cullens diet of animals come to Forks. Instead, they feed on humans.

New Moon:
When the Cullens, including her beloved Edward, leave Forks rather than risk revealing that they are vampires, it is almost too much for eighteen-year-old Bella to bear, but she finds solace in her friend Jacob until he is drawn into a "cult" and changes in terrible ways.

Eclipse:
Bella must choose between her friendship with Jacob and her relationship with Edward, but when Seattle is ravaged by a mysterious string of killings, the three of them need to decide whether their personal lives are more important than the well-being of an entire city.

Anyway - I love the character of Bella. I love that she's spunky and independent. I am "in" love with the character of Edward. He's fantastic. I have to admit that I wish there was more physical romance...a bit more than the quick kiss peck every time the romantic strings begin to play. I'm looking forward to the fourth book because of this. I want to see the wedding and I want to witness the transformation of Bella and I want to finally see them "get it on". Finally. Because sitting through 3 think novels and having them not even remove an article of clothing is disappointing. LOL.

But this should also say how much I like the books. If there is no sex and I'm still reading - there has to be something there of substance that has attracted me to the point of obsessin over the books.

It's definitely the characters. I love the characters of Edward and the Cullens. I find them absolutely fascinating, their depth, the way that they are not your "typical" vampires. The fast cars, the money. There is so much appeal for them.

But I also find myself enjoying the character of Jacob. I think he's very much "the boy next door" and that has an appeal all to itself. I was heartbroken in New Moon and I was glad that Jacob was there. But in comparing the two, and who is right for Bella - it's absolutely Edward for me.

They are even making a movie over Twilight, the first in the series, and it starts filming in February. I'm very excited about this, though I'm a bit wary of the people they've cast for Bella and Edward. Edward will be played by Robert Pattinson, which I can see, but can't see until I see him dressed and in character.

The Twilight series is labeled a "young adult" series, but I found myself intrigued by the story. Yes, the writing is a bit younger than I might have otherwise enjoyed, but at the same time - I love the HP series, and I think it was written a bit young as well, so who am I to complain? But I loved the books - enough so that I can't wait to re-read them over Christmas.

Seriously - I think the one thing that I'm looking forward to for Christmas is the books that I have asked for. I love books and I love reading and I love reading off of real pages. I can't wait to find my next story...