OMG, I am going to die from the heat. DIE!
Well, of course, not really...but I love being melodramatic when it comes to the climate. But it is in the 100s already, and I am burning. It's at that point where you walk outside in a t-shirt and you can actually feel the sun scorching your skin. It's quite interesting. I was literally watching my arm burn yesterday when I walked up to my parents house.
And don't even get me started on attempting to go swimming. I can't be outside from like 9 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. I just burn. And it's hot. So we've taken to swimming at sundown, which is really interesting because the bats come down and get their evening drinks out of the swimming pool. I worry for them a bit, though, because I can't imagine chlorine can't be very healthy for them. In years past, we've had at most 3 bats at one time. Last night was like something out of Batman - it was ridiculous. We had bats flying in circles above us - swooping down and almost hitting us in the heads as we sat still in the pool. It was both amazing and terrifying. I don't know why, but getting bumped in the head with a bat is something that now makes me hide under the covers. Sort of like when I see a roach or a spider - I just stand there in shock and pray pray pray that the thing doesn't come near me. And if it does, I run like hell and then take a good paranoid 5 minutes brushing off every inch of my body to make sure somehow, the thing didn't get attached to me somehow. And then I inch back to where the thing was and usually, it hasn't moved. But on the rare occasion that it has, and I can't find it...
I leave. I have been known to just get in my car. For some reason, if you go somewhere and come back, the thing (in my mind) is gone. Forever. Opposed to being gone for a few seconds - because then it is still in the vicinity of "attack". At least in my mind.
Yeah...it doesn't make any sense, but it's me and I don't feel the need to justify it. It just "is".
Lee has a new tooth - it is so cute! But oh, my - he has fussy moments. I'll be glad when he's not going through the pain of cutting teeth. It's not a pleasant experience, for me, and I'm sure not for him. Poor baby!
Paula made him a Harry Potter shirt - he's so cute! I can't wait to get pictures of him in it today. It seems like today is going so slowly! Tonight is the HBP midnight showing and I can't wait! I'm all set to go. I saw a few scenes this morning from the movie and instead of feeling satisfied that I saw something from it, I just feel hungry for more! Oh, how the hours of the day go slowly sometimes!
I finished my "Canadian Mounties" series from Janette Oak last night - I do so love that series. It makes me want to dress up in petticoats and skirts and go live with the Indians in the north.
Umm...Yeah.
I am greatly enjoying my Mom being home for the summer. I wish August never has to come in that retrospect. It just seems more fun when she's home.
I am considering going back to teaching this year. We have just enough debt that one year for me could put us in an amazing financial situation and then I wouldn't have to work...I just don't wanna. LOL! But I've got to think about more than what I want or don't want. It would be great to be able to take big trips on James' vacation, and to buy a new house and to be able to pay for mowers. LOL. I want a new car and this and that and I have a list as long as the Nile of things I want to buy for Lee, that we're just not able to at this point in our lives. But being debt free, with some money in the bank would let us both relax and enjoy life a bit more. We would definitely have more freedom, as I now equivilate financial comfort the definition of that term. I don't need to justify it to myself. I know what I need to do.
But I don't want to miss out on so much of Lee's life. But it won't be that terrible - I won't have to use daycare. James doesn't go to work until 2 p.m. and I would be home by 3:30 p.m. every day. I would just need my sister or dad to watch Lee for an hour and a half every day...
But DAEP? I am still having doubts on whether I want to or not. It is not a pleasant job, but it is freeing and offers a lot of time to read and write.
My losing weight journey is going well - only I feel deprived most of the time from the things I really want. Why can't we all just eat all day long every day and never worry about gaining weight? Seriously! I believe that this is one of life's more crueler jokes. Working out and watching what you eat - it makes me sad at time.
But I want to lose weight, and thus, I succumb.
I need to clean the house - it's always just a wreck whenever I come back from vacation...but I'm not going to do it today. Today, I've saved as a special HP day, and so I'm doing the irresponsible, fun kid thing until tomorrow. Real life can resume then. :)
I have a lot of things on my mind lately and I've been working through them in my own time over the past two weeks. I haven't come to any conclusions or had any huge epiphany's yet, but I'm at the point where I can mull over something for a while and then put it away until I can get it out again. There are several things I "need" to do, and things I probably "should" do, but I'm just not there. I have opened up communications with a very old friend of mine, and although we haven't actually had a real conversation yet, I'm looking forward to having one. I think it will be really nice to get a fresh perspective on things, to maybe rehash some old things, and to get some encouragement and hope for some new things.
James and I have been doing really well. I pretty much love him. LOL! He really is the best father - he does at least 50% of the work with Lee - and he's so good with him. He plays with him and cuddles and bathes and feeds him. I couldn't be more happy and pleased. When I see the two of them playing - James kissing Lee's face and Lee laughing - it fills me with such joy. I love looking at Lee. I keep staring at him - trying to see bits of me and James, and although I'm sure they are quite obvious, I never seem to see it. I just see this little person, this unique baby, that we created together.
One of the major things that has changed for me is my mentality on things. Instead of fearing of what might or might not happen in how I raise Lee, I find myself so excited and looking forward to teaching him all I can. I want him to be open and to be able to express himself. I want to teach him vocabulary so that he can use words to express himself. I think that "talking" is one of the greatest gifts a person can have. It allows a person to try and put the things that are going round and round in their head into words so that they can better understand where they are coming from, and where they are going in life. I also think that "finding yourself" is so important. I went around for years making stupid decision after stupid decision, because I was searching for something, someone. I couldn't figure out who it was or what I needed...Sex, money, romance, a relationship, dependancy...I thought everything I needed was dependant on this other person that I hadn't found yet. And then I found that person and I realized that I didn't need that person to become who I was. I already knew who I was - I just wanted someone to share it with. And I didn't feel that connection to anyone to talk about it until I met James.
But I want Lee to be able to know himself and not feel like he's searching for someone to fulfill himself. I want him to be accepting of different people and accepting of problems and life, without falling into the depression that it can sometimes take you. I want him to experience joy and happiness, but know that pain can make you stronger. I don't want him to ever feel that he isn't worth. And I meant to stop the sentence there. Worth everything. The world, attention, love, all of it. We all are. Because if we aren't, then what's the point? But I don't think on that, because I believe we are here for a purpose. To love and be loved. By God and by each other. And I am so excited to be able to teach him that.
I was so worried about being a parent, and then realized - I can do this. Because I love him so greatly - that is enough. Love is enough. Because through love, I will do everything I can to ensure him the best life I can offer. Because in love, that is what you do. That person becomes the one thing you put above all else. You consider them in every decision you make, you care about their feelings, their thoughts. I am in love with my child and will do anything and everything for him. And that means teaching him the differences between right and wrong. Showing him how to love and how to express.
And I am prepared for what that means, and I am not afraid. I finally understand what it means to be a parent.
I must admit something, as I close. I have been editing my beliefs out of what I write in attempts to protect my friends from having my religious beliefs thrown in their face. I don't want to come across as a bible thumper or make anyone roll their eyes in annoyance when they don't share my beliefs. I am a firm believer in giving everyone the choice to believe what they want to believe, and respecting their decisions to do so. I never want to come across as a person who looks negatively at them for what they believe just because it differs from what I believe. I know in my religion, nonbelievers choose a certain fate. I know that people who know and respect what I believe in, know what I must think about them not believing. I think, in a weird way, I have always felt guilty about that. I feel guilty to my friends for believing what I do about them for not believing. And I know it's a harsh belief, and because of that fact - I don't bring up religion...ever. Unless, I'm dragged into something or I feel exceptionally strong about something.
Here's the thing. I am guilty in my own beliefs for not talking about what I believe in, because in my belief, talking and sharing is something that I'm supposed to do. And yet, if I talk about it to my non-believing friends, I feel guilty for believing in their fate.
I will never be one to criticize one's belief. I believe that God created us differently from Angels because he wanted us to have "the choice". To believe or not believe, it's up to us. I don't believe it's about judging. I do believe it's all about choice. Believe one thing, you get one fate. Believe another, you get the other. I am not going to sit here and justify why I believe in the Bible, and why I call myself a Christian. I have been through too much and in my heart, I know that I have made it this far because God is in my life and Jesus is in my heart.
My point is this: I will never preach to one who doesn't want to hear it. If you come to me with questions, I will talk until I'm blue in the face. But I've decided from this day on, for the sake of my soul and the person I am working at being, I can no longer edit my beliefs out of prose.
Some people may think I'm an "uber Christian" or a "Jesus freak". I am sad that if that happens, it will mean that "being open" is only for the people who decide not to believe. The real test here, I suppose, will be in the reactions of those who don't believe what I believe and see if they critize or try and stay away from me.
The kicker is this - nothing about me has changed. I'm still the same person. I still have the same thoughts and feelings. I still strive to accept and be open to different beliefs and personalities and thoughts. I may not agree with them or think they are right, but it is not my place to judge. What I think about things and how I choose to handle them is my own business. I work hard to be outwardly who I want to be. My inner conflict and struggle are my own.
But editing my beliefs out of my prose in order to not upset anyone who might be reading, or making extra sure that what I say is non-offensive, is just becoming difficult for my soul.
My friends love me, and that means they have to love me and respect my beliefs. Please don't love me despite my beliefs - that is completely offensive. But respect me enough to let me believe what I believe, without writing it off as a personality flaw. Because to me, it is so much more who I am and not what I do.
My Christianity is in my heart as much as my family and husband and son are. It is again, to me, the definition of Love. In all that I do, it will come first.